What Does “Self Love” Really Mean?

Recently we hear all the time about this concept of “self-love.” Heck, I even have an entire downloadable dedicated to it! But when it comes down to it: Do we really understand fully what self-love is? Or is it simply a buzz term that we are getting mildly tired of hearing? Let’s take some time in this article to explore what self love really means, and how we can begin to cultivate it in our lives.

What is Self-Love?

Think about when you told a loved one that you’re going to love them forever. What would/did your vows sound like to each other? It probably included some form of the following: That you’ll accept them for who they are, trust them, be there for them through ups and downs, not judge them when they’re at their worst and applaud them at their best, you’ll support them through all their dreams, goals and ambitions, and you’ll always remember to honor them.

In many ways, it’s easy for us to understand what it means to treat our spouse or family member with love and affection. Yet, when we think about loving ourselves, it’s not so clear. Many mainstream messages lead us to believe that self-love starts and ends with bubble baths, candles, the occasional massage, and a few positive affirmations here and there. In my opinion, these acts of self-care are positive and helpful, but they don’t always teach us what it truly means to LOVE ourselves.

Instead, we’re left to ponder — as the famous 90’s song by Haddaway (ahem, Night At The Roxbury…) asks — “What is Love?”

When you break down this extremely nebulous word, “love,” I think it pretty much boils down to some variation of unrelenting acceptance, trust, admiration, respect, support and honor.

I’m not convinced that we all show ourselves this same courtesy though. For many years, what I told and conveyed to myself on a daily basis probably looked less like the aforementioned wedding vows, and more like this:

• I’m probably going to judge your appearance every time I see you
• I’m going to laugh at (or completely ignore) your dreams and deep-seated wishes
• I’ll tell you you’re being ridiculous, sound stupid, or look weird whenever you’re in front of people or interacting with strangers
• I’m constantly going to tell you you’re wrong and that you don’t know what you’re talking about
• I’ll usually doubt you and your decisions
• If you fail, you’ll definitely never hear the end of it
• I may ‘punish’ you with substances and foods that aren’t good for you
• You smell funny
• …and the list goes on.

I’m pretty sure that if I had included ANY of these phrases in the vows I wrote to my wife,  that she wouldn’t be my wife today! I think you can agree that statements like those are some of the furthest things from a healthy, loving relationship that you could possibly imagine. In fact, if I said or treated my wife with even one of these statements or beliefs, you better believe I’d be sleeping on the couch indefinitely. 😉

Now, if your inner monologue sounds anything like mine did, how long have you been living in that toxic relationship with yourself? 20 years? 30? 50? More?

So you see, self-love isn’t just about bubble baths and allowing yourself to binge-watch Netflix. Sure, that (AKA self-care) is an aspect of self-love, but cultivating true self love requires going so much deeper than all that.

It’s being able to finally say with confidence that:

• I fully accept myself and the person I am (or the person I’m trying to be)
• I embrace the life that I have
• I respect my body enough to nourish it with pure food and drink, non-toxic products, and clean air
• I care about myself enough to surround myself with positive, inspiring and uplifting people
• I believe in myself and my ability to do great things and to BE great things
• I acknowledge my own unique gifts and talents, and am excited about finding ways to share it with those around me
• I honor myself wholly by acknowledging and expressing my inner truth without judgement or reservation
• I trust myself to know what’s best for me, and make decisions that support me on my own unique path
• I support myself and am gentle with myself through challenging times, and I appropriately allow myself to celebrate my wins and victories
• I regularly forgive myself and let go of the things I could not control

In my opinion, that’s what “self-love” really means. Doesn’t that sound better than the current relationship you might be in with yourself? You know, the one that’s filled with a semi-toxic narrative and a broken record of put-downs and perceived failures? I’d say so.

What I’ve found throughout the years of coaching and running a support group for local autoimmune warriors, is that learning how to practice self-love is sometimes easier said than done. So, I  decided to put together a Guide to Self-Love. In the guide, I give you some ideas for self-care, self-love affirmations to help nourish you inside and out, and small exercises to reverse engineer your negative self-talk. These are techniques that I use in my coaching sessions and that I’ve used to cultivate self-love in my own life, so my hope is that these tips can help you, too.

And if for some reason you can’t seem to believe that you’re lovable and worthy of feeling all those warm and fuzzy feelings toward yourself, allow me to be the one to help jumpstart you by saying that I love you, and think you are very much worthy and deserving of loving yourself. 🙂

Download the Guide Now to start cultivating a more healthy relationship with yourself and others.